self-titled: ^_^
still complaining
worked, went to chorale, went to bostonians and then went to see storytelling with Dimo. It wasn't bad. My first exposure to Solondz. The film was in two parts, the first was really brief, but stayed a lot closer to the idea of storytelling, mainly writing; why we do it and how and when it works and doesn't. The second, about a documentary filmmaker making a documentary in the middle of a solondzized suburbia, had some things to say on the subject, but i think they mainly served as an autobiographical defense of solondz himself, the main run of that part was to show a slice of fucked up middle america.
I've been hot all day, and i picked up a coffee from dunkin donuts after the show and now i'm all coffee jittery.
I have an addition to make about my whole "do we create our memories?" thing from last night. A key thing to include in that is the effect dreams have on our reality, or as it were, on our memory. From my own experience, especially this year, i've had a number of super realistic dreams that i wake up from and my view of reality is seriously skewed. Today for instance, i woke up not knowing if someone said something to me. It was something small and innocuous, but still, i have no idea whatsoever if it happened in reality or in my dream. And alcohol wasn't even a factor. How much does this happen without us knowing it? I know many times i've dreamt something and believed it only to have it denied. It's weird. I don't get it.
Also on the memory tip: nostalgia.
What is it? Because today, nostalgia got its entire army together and staged a full frontal attack on poor defenseless me. It started outside, walking to work. It was kinda warm, but the way the sun felt, it made me feel exactly as i did most mornings this summer walking to work. And then all day, more of the same. Thinking of the first home game walking through the mods, A particular fall evening when i walked through lower. Listening to a CD at work. And on and on until i was in coolidge corner tonight and it felt just like the night late this summer that i saw Kristin Hersh there.
And these feelings don't make me feel happy or comfortable. They make me feel sad and wistful. "remember whens" when you'd rather be living them than remembering them. Is nostalgia ever a good thing? Last night i saw the little benchish thing outside of Robsham and it made me think of a night this fall with Brenda. And that was wistful and sad, but shit, i'm thinking about things like walking to work in the summer and it makes me sad. Maybe because this summer was just a much different way of life, a lot easier. And with the home game in the mods, maybe because my senior year was new and everything was exciting. But this is the way nostalgia always works for me. Why do we remember things? When we're sitting in a group and we say "this is just like..." or "remember when..." we're bringing them up and thinking fondly about times past and remembering how those times were better than this particular moment. Especially when you're in a group. You'll rarely sit around and wistfully think of some time bad. You'll think of some rocking party or great event, and wish that it was happening right then. And i used to think that that's cool, but now i'm not so sure. I think we remember only to long for times gone by or maybe if we're thinking of some bad time, to feel better about the present. Either way, it's not healthy, and yet it's unavoidable.
Now as i'm sitting here on this soap box, don't get the wrong idea. I'm not being this defeatist asshole. But it really kind of sucks. We're comforted by memories, but why are they comforting? It can get dangerous. But the fact is, we don't want to let go of our past, we always want to have it to retreat to. It's natural. And that's why i see some validity in the whole "memory created as a defense to the irreversibility of time" thing. It makes sense.
And maybe i'm more affected. Maybe that's why i keep a journal like this. So as not to lose the past. Because when i write, i'm writing those experiences that are still fresh, those that haven't yet begun to decay. So then i know that it's the truth, that it really happened. And obviously, this year, i haven't been so thorough. And i've lost things. And other things i believe in, but wonder about their full extent.
I don't know, i'm sounding like this is a way bigger deal than it really is. fuck nostalgia, because almost always, those good feelings from the past are better than the uncertainty of the future or even the present. But nostalgia is hardcoded into us, and anything we experience is a possible catalyst, especially those things we least expect.
ok cool. time to do something else. Note, all the above is just something i thought about, whether or not i believe it i'm not quite sure. Also, an avalanches song just came on and again, back to summer. Now the loneliest duet comes on. If i could marry a song, it'd be this one. I heart the secrets.
Like seriously, the song is still playing, and i know i just said this recently, but it takes me to a whole other place and time. I feel differently listening to it. How is that? The human being is a weird weird construction.