self-titled: ^_^
listen up peeps
so forgive me if this is weighty and lame, but i'm writing it anyway.
After my labored ascent from my bed this morning, i sat down and for no apparent reason, the state of my life hit me like a ton of bricks. Maybe because i was thinking of something one of the guys at poker last night said "I went through a few days worried that i was an alcoholic, but then i realized i just have some serious emotional issues." Not that the state of my life is that heavily revolving around alcoholism or emotional issues, but it got me thinking nonetheless. Yeah sure, i drink a lot. I had this conversation with Jude, BC is a crazy crazy drinking school. I do it to have fun and not as a crutch, i'm 100% certain on that. Sure, there've been a couple nights where i play the "ok, something went wrong, i need to drink to get over it" game, where in the end result "getting over it" turns into some of the worst nights in my life. But that's normal. The only other bad things that happen are inhibitions are lowered and i'll say exactly what i shouldn't say, that's not a big deal though, the real problem is that i forget some of the amazingly entertaining things I do. Like an e-mail i wrote on tuesday that i just discovered, have ZERO recollection of writing, but i'm very proud of it because it was cool. And emotional problems? well, who doesn't.
Those weren't the things i was thinking of earlier and still now, though. I was thinking about the fact that my life sucks. My life sucks because i'm in a rut. I know everything i should and could be doing but somehow can't bring myself to doing them. I'm always looking backwards saying "what could i have done differently?" instead of looking forwards saying "how can i do differently?" Yeah, sometimes i become very wrapped up in regret, but I don't live in the past. I really don't spend my days kicking myself for mistakes i've made, but i certainly have my moments. No, i don't live in the past - i just live in a present that isn't moving.
Schoolwork, real work, brenda. I know what i need to do with all of those: do it, find it, get over it. And i tell myself i want to, but i'm all talk. I say i want to write, but i don't do it. i'm a piece of shit. I just don't know what to do about it. You can't wake up one morning and go about life in a completely new way... can you?
Is it that i like to pretend these things are out of my control so that i can feel bad for myself? I mean shit, it's 100 days until graduation. I laughed when i heard previous seniors freaking out. But HEY, LOOK AT ME!!! I"M FREAKING OUT!!! but that's all i'm doing. there's something really sick about that. Like, look for a damn job. Is that really so hard? And for shit's sake, don't go looking for sympathy. Do you're work, write, take a fucking night off from football, actually turn down drinking for once. These are not hard things. These are unbelievably easy things. Stop being a fuckup and take control of your life. No one else is going to do it for you. you suck. you're a piece of shit. you deserve no compassion, no sympathy. but how do you mend a broken heart? You just do. You forget about it, you move on, you grow the fuck up. Think long and hard - you know you want to. You KNOW you want to. Do it. But it's like that magnetic fields song, "I don't want to get over you" : "I could listen to all my friends / and go out again and pretend it's enough /or I could make a career of being blue / I could dress in black and read Camus / smoke clove cigarettes and drink vermouth /like I was 17 /that would be a scream / but I don't want to get over you" it's a hilarious song, but it has some real applications. I don't want to get over love, i don't want to get over being in college, i don't want to get over not having to pay for hot water. But you have to, that other stuff isn't like love, sure, you can waste your life thinking about some girl, and that's retarded, but you can't spend your life in a dorm room, you don't move on and you're in the street. Well, i could spend my life in a dorm room, hall directors and what not, i could be the next laura schrader. Ok, go apply. Fuck you. I can't help but notice that i've created an internal dialogue here, and completely unintentionally at that. You have, you've let me out: the voice of reason. So I have - and i like it much better without you. Then fucking put me away again. I shouldn't, but i'm afraid i will.
Ok, enough of that exercise. Seriously, it wasn't until i acknowledged the conversation that i was aware of it. that was kind fun.
This is a real problem though. I don't want to be this person. It shouldn't be hard not to be this person. But the only thing i'm willing to do is say that. I need to start looking at myself and understand how i am ultimately in control for everything i do. i'm responsible for everything that goes right and goes wrong. Maybe that's too big of a burden for me, maybe that's why i do and don't do the things i do (or don't do). Maybe i'm afraid of knowing the power i have to change my life, so i don't wield it.
this isn't a cry for help, but if anyone has an easy solution, an operation or some homemade concoction to fix me, that'd be cool.
Also, i've realized that for the first time ever i'm sexually frustrated. This is very apparent in a number of dreams i've been having. No sex dreams, to the best of my recollection, i've never had one. But still.
Also, on the subject of dreams, this morning was a wild ride. I was in bed, and i had woken up and was kind of drifting. And i kept having these little vignettes, i can count about 6 at least of different people coming into my room and interacting with me. Some of them very plausible, some not. Bottom line is, i'm still having difficulties figuring out which ones happened.
yesterday i wrote over 3 pages of single spaced dialogue. then i played poker. the game lasted upwards of 6 hours, tony won like $80 i won like $3. everyone else lost big. It's a fun game.
ok ok ok ok
i need to shower, dress, eat, and play my game all within an hour and a half. wish me luck.