self-titled: ^_^

ok, so i write my manifesto.

bought the new d-plan, mogwai, fugazi, les savy fav, pinback, and then richard ashcroft, something, something else, and the canadian school children since pop hits in 1974 album.

brenda never called, and you know what? fuck it. after cambridge i came home, kicked tara's ass in scrabble, got my jack-o-lantern costume on and went to butler's party. at butler's party i drank some and then called tara and talked to her for about 2 hours.

so an addendum to my huge manifesto.

shit. i forget what we talked about. but the drift of it was that i don't let people in. people are afraid to approach me because i judge and because i'm not willing enough to give back. i wish i was writing as we were talking because she brought up so many good points that i simply can't remember right now. she brought up the whole issue of me being desperate, and i tried to counter it with what i wrote at starbucks, but what it comes down to is nothing good comes from looking for it. and i've been looking for it too much and well, there's probabbly nothing good coming from it. fuck, we talked about a lot more than that. and it was all about me and my problems. the conversation was wonderful. tara challenged me every step of the way, and i loved it. she called me out on my pettiness and my irrationality and my idiotness.

basically, she said i'm a fuckup. and it's true. she said i don't let people in, and maybe it's not because, as i wrote earlier, that people don't want me in. that's my biggest thing. i really don't think people give a shit. i mean, i REALLY don't think that they do. and because i think this with such completeness, well, it shows. People look at me, and they see this cynical bastard, and they feel like they'll be judged, and they see this guy who isn't willing to show his feelings.

i mean, god damn it, what? trust me, i want people to understand me, i want people to listen, people to care. but apparently they won't at the rate i'm going.

i wish everyone thought like me. and i wish that then everyone would feel comfortable opening up with everyone else and it'd be this big happy thing. but instead, i feel like i'm better than people because i'm more in touch with myself. and i won't open up because all those others just don't get it. and they won't open up because i'm an asshole. and all i want to do is love people and share their problems and feel happy and sad for them.

i'm lonely.

and kate didn't fill that gap. and neither will brenda, unless she figures out what she wants. in fact, fuck, tara has filled it the most. because she's talked to me. she's made me feel like i'm not alone without making me feel like a used piece of shit.

i'm lonely but i'm not desperate. believe it, because it's true. i refuse to be desperate any longer than i have.

fuuuuck i don't know what more to say, i'm going to sleep.

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